When You Can’t Go Back Home

It hurt to leave, I’ll admit, I cried. I couldn’t look back, because if I did, the adrenaline pushing me forward would have dissipated, and my family was counting on me.

But now the home that we bought as a family of three and grew to a family of seven…a home in which three of my babies took their first breaths in, well that home is ready for a new family.

And God, who knew how much that would tear us up? Starting over in Alaska was our aim, our chance at adventure and healing, so who knew the thought of not going back home would even enter my mind?

Because we can’t go back home. And we need our home to sell quickly, tears or no! Our home sitting on the market for months while we live thousands of miles away could destroy the dream we are now pursuing.

Of course, this makes me reflect! There’s just so much to this challenging life lesson, but what sticks with me most is that we can’t move forward if we won’t let go of our past. We loved our home, but it’s not our’s anymore. It’s ready for a new family to live, laugh, and love in.

We started house-hunting in Anchorage and it was really sad. There will not be our home from Texas in Alaska. And as long as that is our goal, we will feel disappointment, every time. So we regroup. We remember why we came, why starting over is such an amazing gift and privilege, and that it’s not a building that makes a place a home. It’s having each other.

We are so used to a fast-paced, relentless life, that slowing down, living in a temporary duplex feels agonizing. I remind myself to be grateful, but as long as I mourn what I’ve left behind, I can’t feel grateful.

Someone said we are going on an adventure with five of our favorite people and whomever said that was correct. If we had to return to Texas after working so hard to be where we are now, it wouldn’t even feel right.

I’m reminded of the verse that there is a season under Heaven for all things:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ASV

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

There’s so much here. This season of life is filled with so many purposes, I keep returning to the thought that I’m with the people I love most. We have a fresh start. This is a gift. And mostly, I want to grow and be faithful. I want to be the wife and mother my family needs. I want to sleep in peace knowing we are exactly where God has placed us.

And we can’t do that while looking back. We can’t go back home. Home isn’t back there anymore, it’s wherever we are, together.

Published by Melody McAllister

Believer, Wife, Mother of 5, Educator, and KC Royals Fanatic! Garland NAACP Educator of the Year 2017 Follow me on Twitter @mjmcalli

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