This ridiculous #ControlMinus video did something for me this week. It provided my husband, my oldest daughter, some friends, and myself a lot of laughter. It also helped me get over myself.
When I do my LIVE broadcasts, upload to my Insta, my Facebook, my Twitter, and LinkedIn, I try so hard to make sure people only see my upper half. I use the SnapChat camera because I feel like my mirror image looks ten pounds lighter than when a regular camera flips my image around. I make sure that my makeup looks perfect as possible and that my hair is fixed. I do this because from a young age, I’ve been trained to cover up all of my imperfections: my big hips, my yellow teeth, my face without makeup…most of me. I learned from a very early age that I had a lot of imperfections, and it iternalized into this fear that if people saw the true me, they would realize how ugly I really am and reject me.
Because when I look in the mirror on most days, all I see are my big hips, my yellow teeth, my fat butt, my ugly face etc. etc. etc. I have to try really hard to see beauty before I cover myself up. That does happen every once in a while, but gaining thirty pounds this past year has not helped my esteem in any way!
My friend, Alice, says that no one else cares if I don’t wear makeup. I think to myself, “Easy for her to say, she’s skinny and beautiful.” She doesn’t place so much importance on her appearance because after making hundreds of YouTubes and speaking in front of huge audiences, she knows that other people don’t judge us like we judge ourselves. And I honestly don’t think she cares if people judge her based on her appearance.
Anyway, that 37 second YouTube recording, it gave me such a good laugh and put me in my place. I am that silly looking person in the video. I am also the pretty lady in the selfies I like to post. My friend Lynell says I take awesome selfies. Regardless of how I look, I am loved. Alice is right that I am judging myself more harshly than anyone else, and I really need to keep working on accepting myself. I run the risk of projecting the same insecurities I have onto my children, and I do not want that!
I still think I look much better with makeup, but someone I really care about, recently told me I am one of the most honest people she has ever met. So honestly, I’d like to be just as confident with or without all the cover-ups.