I read a social media post the other night from a friend who was sharing how blessed he, his wife, and kids were as followers of Christ.

He went on to say how his family and kids hadn’t struggled like other kids in families he knew. He believed it was because he and his wife were truly following Christ, making sacrifices that many around him weren’t making. Even sacrifices other church goers weren’t willing to make.

Needless to say, for me to read that, I thought it came across extremely self-righteous, full of privelege and arrogance.

I also thought, maybe he and his wife are really good parents, fully in tune with their kids. Why did he have to make it about his sacrifice? How is that helpful for those around him who are struggling? Does he truly not see how damaging this mindset is?

Then I turned inwardly and remembered how I also used to buy into that kind of mindset. As long as I was living for the Lord, I fully believed my marriage and kids would turn out great. I remember also thinking we had some sort of edge that non-believers, or not-as-good-believers, would not have. Now I see that for what it really was.

Is it Faith or Superstition?

Before walking away from evangelism, I feared that if I did, it would have a cost. But my belief was more along the lines of a superstition… it was leaving what I thought I had control over, but rationally, I knew it was all based in fear.

It felt more like superstition because in my mind I had this pattern of belief “If I do this ____ then The Bible says ____ will happen” as my safety net. My personal genie in a bottle with endless wishes for a good life.

The longer I live the more it is clear:

Good things happen to bad people.

Bad things happen to good people.

Most of us will face challenges in life.

Living a perfect Christian life is a myth.

And when our family faced challenges recently, it’s not the people who have lived perfect Christian lives who showed up for us. The people who have showed up or prayed for us were battle weary. They know life is hard. They had weathered some storms themselves. I felt okay sharing that I loved they were praying for us, but I didn’t feel comfortable hearing their prayers. Some people want to pray for you on the phone or in your social media posts.

I used to be that person, so I get it. I thought I was doing the right thing at that time. Now that I’m on the other side, it feels uncomfortable. I used to think people sending “good vibes” was pointless, like it didn’t matter as much as prayers…again with more superstition-like belief than real faith.

Regardless of how I believe differently these days, their prayers meant more because they are real people who didn’t blame us for our lack of faith as the reason our family was struggling. They didn’t point out our flaws and tell us those flaws were the reason for the pain.

Now, when people send me “good vibes” it feels like a gift because they are communicating that I am in their thoughts and they hope the best for me. That’s real. We don’t have control over the outcomes as much as we’d like to think, but hoping for the best for others is basic, wonderful humanity showing up in our darkest hours.

When people send me Scriptures via text or DM, it means nothing to me and it feels irritating. When a friend lets me know they are thinking of me, that means more for my hurting soul than a rattled off verse.

The Blame Game

Charlie Kirk, a white, 31 year old, MAGA influencer, wants to blame a tragedy on what he believes is sin through DEI. So many will believe this bigot. I’ve seen many Christian leaders do this exact thing when there have been natural or man-made disasters in the past.

It’s vile and a huge reason I’m so glad to be out of the nationalist cult I was raised in.

To live in this world means we will all face tragedy at some point, no matter how good or bad we are. It’s not about fairness. It’s just life. Our challenges will look different but we wilk all face ups and downs.

But allowing compassion and empathy to guide how we face it, shows our humanity and goodness. It becomes a balm for those we love.

These men and women proclaiming to have the answers without any kind of empathy for others is sickening. It’s the worst of humanity to kick people when they are already down.

We need goodness. We need love. We need compassion more than anything else to lead us through these difficult times.

Helping Those Who Are Hurting

For those hoping to help friends who are struggling, being a real human is where it begins. Sending verses and prayers via text or DMs might not help as much as some people think. And there are those who might love the verses and prayers.

For many of us who are deconstructing our evangelical indoctrination, texted prayers or scripture sharing are painful reminders of superficial band-aids when we really needed more connection.

If someone really wants to convey they are supporting someone like me, or your average human, it’s not too complicated:

Text message to let someone know you are available to talk or that they are on your mind.

Sending supper if local or a gift card in the mail. Showing up in a physical way…. Sending a card.

Asking someone how they can help and understanding if just listening is all that is needed.

Leading any support with compassion and understanding that it’s not about us, and we don’t have the answers and that we don’t have to have the answers to offer real support.

For those who are struggling with life right now, I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope you have a circle of support to help you through. If you’d like to share how others have been real in your time of need, please leave a comment.