As Mother’s Day 2020 approaches, comes, and leaves there are so many emotions to process. Through this pandemic, I’ve analyzed my failings in motherhood, but one thing brings me back from the pits and that is knowing my kids are safe and sound. God doesn’t give us the future, just day by day, and since there is no way to know the future, it’s the deepest blessing to have all of my children here with me. Well, all but one. My Angel Baby is in Heaven with other loved ones, and while I think more of my loss today, I also reflect that without this precious and short life, I would not be enjoying the blessing of my youngest son’s life. God doesn’t give us the future, there was no way to know what would come from the pain of loss, but day by day, the deepest blessings find their way to us.
There are Mothers mourning the loss of their children for the first time during this holiday. There are Mothers mourning the loss of their children for years, and the loss is just as fresh as it ever was. Maybe “Happy Mother’s Day” isn’t the greeting that fits, but the honor of your role as mother is still worthy of deep celebration.
There are Mothers who’ve lost their only babies before they ever took their first breaths outside of their wombs. Mother’s Day may not feel like the event you are invited to join, but the honor of your role as Mother is still worthy of deep celebration.
There are Mothers caring for children whom they did not biologically give life to, Mothers who could not care for their children and made a way for them to be raised by others… and Mothers who have a combo of biological, step, halves- adopted- and choose to love like their own without labels. The honor of your role as mother is worthy of deep celebration.
For the future Mothers, the ones who’ve been trying for so long it hurts, and for the ones who wanted to be Mother but that dream (for whatever reason) was never realized…for the Aunties whose love has shaped the lives of so many children, your role as Mother is so worthy of deep celebration!
For the Mothers who are doing this job without a life partner, feeling lonely and needing a break, needing some encouragement, hoping someone sees them, we see you! We love you! We are awed by you and virtually draw you into a safe embrace.
This holiday can be full of joy and full of loss at the same time. Some of us have waited so long to be invited to this one that not having an invitation, or feeling like our invitation has been revoked, is devastating. While I don’t have the answers or the ability to mend broken hearts, I do have words. When you can’t hold your baby, hold to your memories. You are deeply loved by a Creator who understands your pain. And while it doesn’t change your reality, my prayer today is that you experience the deepest level of love from God that you’ve been waiting for and didn’t know was possible.
And if you feel like me, and struggle with all sorts of emotions like feeling unworthy of the precious lives placed in your care because of all your mistakes, I pray for us, that we allow God to help us forgive ourselves. Each day is a new day to start fresh. The honor of being Mother is not to be taken lightly nor hinges on the amount of time you’ve spent in the role. For the first-time Mommies, still in the midst of days of no sleep, it’s okay if all you do is sleep on your day! Giving life, pouring into life, sharing life, and more often than not, putting life ahead of your own happiness are all aspects of what we do daily, though our roles can look so different, as diverse as we are as humans. Wherever you find yourself today, your role of mother is deeply honored.
A couple of days ago, I had a really bad day. That’s not entirely true. Since we’ve been practicing social distancing, I’ve had several bad days. But two days ago it felt worse. The day began okay but when my husband came home from the grocery store, worry set in. All my worries and the reality that my kids might have to face came crashing down on me. Then the physical symptoms began: fever, chills, and fatigue. I ended up going to bed with a headache.
Before I went to bed, one of my friends tweeted me asking me how I was doing. It’s a typical thing we do in our #PLN but I decided to be honest and admitted that I was having a bad day and there wasn’t anything I could do to get out of it. In response, came messages of support. It was definitely needed and appreciated.
Fortunately, when I woke up the next day, I felt better. Wanting to share my experience, I posted an honest summary of my bad day because posting those truly honest emotions of feeling anxious and sick are not things I usually post about. But maybe someone else needed to know it’s okay to have a bad day? The response from my community was of overwhelming support and love. Friends messaged me on my post, texted, and sent direct messages asking me how I was doing. It truly made me feel loved, encouraged, and strengthened. If you are reading this and you are part of my community, thank you.
However, I don’t normally post about those kinds of feelings. Why? Because I am afraid that I’ll appear weak, that my faith in God is lacking, and fear that others would assume wrong things about me. And while I did receive some well-intentioned messages along those lines, I chose not to feed that kind of spirit.
This past week we celebrated Easter. When you read about Jesus and the hours leading up to His arrest and eventual Crucifixion (Mark 14 or Luke 22), He prayed with His friends in a garden. His friends, unfortunately, did not stay awake and pray with Him as He hoped they would. His prayers were of desperation that God would take this cup from Him if there was any other way. He was emotional, to the point of sweating blood, about what He knew He was going to face, and understandably so. I mention this because being scared and feeling anxious is part of being human, as we see in our Savior. It doesn’t mean our faith is lacking. It doesn’t mean we are ungrateful for all we have. It means we need support, and like my friend Mandy Froehlich says, it’s our responsibility to get the support we need. Sometimes just sharing what we are feeling helps us, but other times, we need to see a mental health expert. Because we are human.
Two days ago, I had a bad day, and I know I’m not alone. This pandemic is proving to be a roller coaster of emotions for many of us. It’s wonderful to find the good things that come with social distancing, but it’s also okay if you need extra support. It is not a sign of weakness to reach out. It’s a sign of strength.
When I began teaching in the early 2000s, to earn high marks on my teacher evaluation, I needed to show that I was the boss and first in command in my classroom. One of my principals in those early years compared me to a teammate, who taught in a way completely different than I did. My philosophy was always about building relationships and letting kids have choice and voice, so when my boss walked into my classroom, it was too noisy and I was labeled too nice. I was told to work on my classroom management, in a way that felt foreign to me, and within two years, I quit and didn’t think I’d ever return to the classroom.
When I returned to the classroom about four years later, and as a mother of four young children, I wasn’t the same person who walked out. Older and wiser, I realized that what I offered young people was exactly what they needed. The relationships I still had with many former students and their parents was proof. When I joined Twitter that first year of going back, it was validating and incredible to find many educators who were like-minded and like-hearted: relationships first, student-centered, and fun!
But, I had to work through a mindset that said I was lacking if I wasn’t entirely in control. I had to hope that my principal would see the beauty in, what times seemed, chaotic. She did. The more I learn from my amazing professional learning network (PLN), the more I learned what giving the reins to students, for the deepest form of learning, really looks like. But they didn’t teach us this in college. For many of us, it really is a mindset change from what school used to look like to what it could be if we would just let go of the control.
The current pandemic has educators teaching from their computers and finding as many ways as possible to connect with their students and families. It’s to be expected that we are learning more than we can actually teach.
One huge lesson to take from this season is that we can’t expect to replicate school routines in students’ homes. We can’t have ridiculous expectations of being the center of a student’s world. There’s a pandemic going on! The lessons we give need to be more about flexibility than control. It’s extremely hard to get into this mindset when, for years, we’ve been evaluated on being the boss of our classrooms, but we are no longer the boss of our classrooms. We are no longer in our classrooms.
A message many parents need to hear from Educators and Leaders is that the well-being of students and families are top priority, not lessons, not virtual meetings, not assignments, and definitely not grades. Life is priority right now, and maintaining the best health in all areas is what we need to focus on. Now is not the time to exert control and consequences. It is the time to exert flexibility and compassion.
Parents, I’m writing on behalf of so many educators who feel this way, and we know you work hard to meet every expectation, and we thank you for that. If you are feeling overwhelmed, cut back. You don’t need our permission, but you have it. You have our support. Take care of you and your children. If that means that not all assignments are complete, we understand. Lessons are not priority. Life is.
There will be so many gems we will learn in this season…if we let go of the control.
Heavenly Father, Thank You for seeing us through another day. We come before You with humble hearts.
We lift up all the doctors, nurses, and all people working in healthcare and their protection. We lift up their families. We pray they will be reunited soon. We pray for Your supernatural wisdom and strength to guide them as they face this virus and all the challenges it brings.
We lift up all the farmers and migrant workers who are making sure we still have food on our tables. We lift up all those working in grocery stores, for city sanitation services, truckers, railroad workers, and all those making sure our country still functions in its basic and most important needs. Please protect them and send them safely back to their families.
We lift up the forgotten and lonely. We lift up those who are losing their lives in this moment and for the ones who wish they could be with them. We pray they feel Your peace and presence. We pray the mourning will find ways to honor those they have loved and lost in this time of distancing.
We lift up those who are scared and uncertain, especially our children. Especially parents. We lift up the most vulnerable, the ones who desperately depend on all of us to stay home.
We ask You, Jesus, to heal our sick. We ask for wisdom for our local, state, and federal leaders. Please infuse them with empathy.
Lord, we especially lift up children and adults who are trapped in abusive households. We pray they are rescued, even in this pandemic. We pray we see them as You see them.
Even though we see so much vanishing, give us eyes to see new and better days ahead, Father. Help us to anchor our hope and thoughts on You in this storm. May we never forget how You held us through it all.
Thank you that we have our families and resources. Show us how to help others in meaningful ways. Help us to remain open hearted even while our hearts are breaking.
Thank You for this day. Thank You for our lives. Thank You for our freedom. Thank You for giving us a way to see all of it more clearly. Help us, Lord, to stay focused, strong, and together even while we are apart. Bring an end to coronavirus, please!
Forgive us, Lord, for hoarding and for wasting time. Forgive us for our blindness.
For all these things, we ask in Your Name, Jesus, Amen.
Struggling in math has been my greatest asset as a math teacher. Remembering the pain of negative self-talk while feeling like giving up was my only option…well, math trauma is not easily forgotten. It’s why so many adults, decades after high school graduation, will still tell you they are bad at math. For me, the silver lining to that trauma has always been the ability to relate to my students, and even my own children, when they have math struggles. One of the greatest compliments students and former students have shared with me is that math finally made sense to them when they were in my class.
One thing I’ve never said, and will never say, to my children is that I was bad at math. Even as a new teacher, I asked parents not to say that to their children. Telling your children or students you are bad at math is like encouraging them to quit before they even begin.
Now, I have always told my students and children that I struggled in math. We all understand what struggle means, and the good news is that there is always the possibility of winning in a struggle! Every year, I tell them how I had to stay in at recess in first grade because I could not understand the concept of subtraction. Crazily enough, my teacher had no idea how to teach it in a new way that made sense to me. She tried to explain it repeatedly in the same way…and it didn’t make sense to me for the longest time. I also tell them about how in first grade I received a C in math and it made me feel terrible. I never wanted another C on my report card and made sure I never did again. That desire to make the Honor Roll (I was a middle child and wanted to stand out in some way, and academically was my route) kept me from quitting. Math was a struggle, but I found a way to understand. As early as seven years old, I realized that quitting was not an option. Finding math success was never easy for me, but through my school years, I found what worked for me. This is what I share with my students hoping it will help them, too.
Addressing the Struggle at the Beginning of the Year
First week of school when I say the word “math”I look around to see who dreads the very word itself. It’s not just about reading expressions, but I look for patterns of misbehavior and any kind of drama that might commence when that dreaded word is spoken. I always begin the year assuring my students that if they stick with me and trust me, as their math teacher, I will not leave them behind. I have promised that to my students for years, and I mean it with every fiber of my being. I explain that when they don’t quit, math can be fun like a puzzle.
What does it take to help children dig into math when they want to check out? It takes patience and time to do it to do it to do it to do it right, child, I got my mind set on math, I got my mind, set on math…
All singing aside (remember He gave me a melody *wink wink*), in a whole group lesson, the ones who get the concept easily, I normally allow them to begin the assignment and do it at their pace. The students who have questions stick with me and the ones who are lost become a small group.
What does helping kids through math struggle look like?
Sitting next to a child who struggles is important. That nearness factor makes a difference. They know I won’t ignore them or allow them to pretend to work when really they are just doodling or trying to look busy. See, by the time they reach fifth grade, they’ve pretty much given up. They don’t want the attention! One of my students, who was desperately struggling, knew how to look busy, so sitting next to me kept him from trying to con me that he was actually trying to solve problems. He definitely tried to trick me, but I called him out. A few more times like this, and he knew I meant business. He stopped trying to look busy and started attempting the problems before him. Just attempting…finding a starting place to solve is huge when you struggle in math. I remember this from my own childhood.
When students have progressed to where they begin solving problems more easily, I still encourage them to ask for help, but I do not let them come to me unless they have attempted the problem. I can ask them, “What do you think you are going to do here?” or “Where do you think you should start?” They are so used to struggling and the teacher just giving them an answer that they often ask before even thinking about how/where they should begin. Getting them to dig in and try to understand the problem is foundational in developing grit and sticking with the problem. When solving math equations or word problems, it’s truly important to have a place to stick information to, so beginning the problem and attempting to solve it gives them something to add or learn from. If they don’t think through this first part, a teacher’s lesson is like throwing darts into the dark without any specific target that will reach their students.
I also coach my students while giving notes. At some point, they may stop understanding. I coach them to keep taking the notes I give them, but make a note to themselves that this is where they have stopped understanding. Again, I learned this from my own struggles. In fact, in my Algebra one course when the teacher was finished with the lesson and asked for questions, I was able to ask my questions clearly. To do this well, I had to turn off my negative self-talk. If I allowed my negatiave self-talk to take over, the only thing I heard from that point on was me telling me how stupid I was and how I was the only person not understanding. In place of negative self-talk, I encouraged myself to take a deep breath and remind myself that even though I didn’t understand the concept just then, I knew I would eventually if I didn’t shut down. That allowed me to keep paying attention and sometimes even cleared my confusion. When I shut down, this wasn’t possible.
Something else that helps students is allowing them to talk about patterns they notice. Whether they struggle or not, when they notice a math pattern, letting them talk it out with the rest of the class will help everyone!! Worst case, it’s also a way a teacher can help clear up misconceptions early on. The best math teachers for me were my peers. Sometimes students identify specific items that make a world of difference for their peers. My son is in third grade and has a more natural way of understanding math than his older sister. Whenever he notices a pattern, he stops and we have an entire conversation about it. He truly amazes me. We can, and should, help our students learn the patterns because often times when they figure it out for themselves, they feel more confident and the knowledge isn’t dumped after an assessment. My son talking about the patterns he sees also helps his older sister and younger sister think through that math pattern, too. That’s a win!!
It’s a Journey
For students who struggle in math, it is an emotional journey. When teachers stop and say, “I know you are struggling, and I’m here to help, and I won’t go on until you understand,” it’s a balm for our students’ insecure nerves. When they are fifth graders coming to me, they usually have three to four years of feeling left behind. Hoping to help my struggling students, my mindset is firm that their struggles stop with me and I do all in my power to get them to grow and decrease any learning gaps.
Over time, I have developed the wisdom necessary to see when students quit before even trying or when they are totally overwhelmed. It’s important to know the difference because both situations require different responses. The quit-before-trying-learner needs a firm reminder of not giving up and figuring out a place to start, while the overwhelmed learner needs to know they can take a break or use another method to help them.
Helping students dig into math struggles is such a beautiful way to help them learn perseverance and purpose. When they decide to lean into the struggle, they form a mental confidence that can’t be stolen from them. Can you see how facing their insecurity in math can help them in other areas of life, too? Having a teacher who will go the whole distance means everything for these students, and many times, changes a negative academic course into a new path of learning and goal setting! I have seen the glory! I have seen the joy of confidence from the same student who broke down and cried with me at one point. So yeah…when my students have told me that my fifth grade class was the first time math made sense to them, I feel like I’ve earned an Oscar!
Have you heard of the book written by Alice Aspinall called Everyone Can Learn Math? Recently, I read it with my five children and it sparked great discussion. My oldest, who is currently in fifth grade, found the main character, Amy, very “relatable.” Amy feels the math struggle deeply and so does her mom! I would recommend this book for every parent and educator to keep in their home or classroom library. I know we will be pulling it out to reread a lot. It’s also a good way to combine your academics. Author, Alice Aspinall also recommends Adding Parents to the Equation by Hilary Kreisburg and Matthew Bayranevand.
Also, have you heard of Nearpod and Flocabulary? When I went back into teaching public school a few years ago, they were the first technologies that I implemented in my lessons. My students and children love it. They can be personalized or differentiated for the different level of learning going on in your classroom. These resources are engaging and will definitely make a difference in small group learning. The coolest part is now they are together!!!
Hanging around my house, you might get annoyed with me after hearing THAT SONG for the twentieth time. When a song’s lyrics and sound resonate with me, I just have to learn the words, know its background and artist, see its video, and understand its entire context. I’m a bit much 😉 when good music is on the line.
Born to Fly takes me back to my $198/mo studio apartment on Ashland Avenue. Full blast listening & singing, owning my destiny. Knowing there were great things in store for me & I was almost ready to take off.
I remember hearing Sara Evans’ “Born To Fly” 20 years ago and making it my anthem. Right up there with “Wide Open Spaces.”
And I did.
And the greatest adventures weren’t anything I could dream up! I had no idea how life would go, but I knew great things were ahead. I was right.
So I heard this song and had to download it and play it on repeat, full blast. Road trips, laughter, and even memories of youthful fear flooded my mind.
20 years later, and this song is still my anthem. So many adventures await for 2020 and it’s exciting. But I know that getting to these next few places depends on the relationships in my life and the value in learning along the way, being present, and most importantly, grateful. 💙
I’m not too old to fly & neither are you! #CHANGE 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
It’s okay if you have become more informed and have decided to act more positively towards others with this new information. We are meant to grow as humans, and allowing others to grow and change is a way to show acceptance. Sometimes others won’t understand and they’ll decide to leave your life. Let them. Being true to your own spirit may require this sacrifice.
This past week, I started, and quickly finished, the book It’s Okay To Say “They”: Tips for Educator Allies of Transgender and Nonbinary Students by Christy Whittlesey, PhD. I wanted to read this book because of my journey to be more inclusive for all students. Normally, I focus on matters of race, but I felt clueless where to start when addressing needs of students who are LGBTQ and nonbinary. My goal is to be a voice of change in our education system by being transparent in my journey as an educator who has struggled with implicit bias and learned how to change for the benefit of my students,community, and family. Equity issues tend to be controversial, but it’s even harder to talk about inclusion issues for LGBTQ and nonbinary students. Some of us don’t know the proper terms and we are not sure how we can stay true to our Christian values and support those in this community. Coming from a conservative Christian background has given me an insight to this internal struggle, and I hope to help others who have similar backgrounds find a way to accept our youth.
Growing up in our household, being gay seemed the worst possible thing you could become. As kids, we used the word “gay” as a way to make fun of others. I even remember hearing conversations about parents using “tough love” on their gay children. This tough love meant throwing them out for making this decision (refusing to consider the possibility that their kids were born with their sexuality) and finding that others in the faith community believed these parents had no other choice. There was a hard stance against homosexuality and anything along the lines of being LGBTQ. It was ungodly and sinful. Like clockwork, the Scripture to back it up was always about Sodom and Gomorrah. This was my world growing up and this became part of my views as a young adult…until I started questioning these absolute stances that lacked any sort of compassion and grace.
At almost 40 years old, being able to question everything is probably the greatest gift my education has given me! I am still a person of faith, but in the last decade, as a student of the Scripture, I became acutely aware that our roles as Believers is not to spread condemnation. Quite the opposite, actually. But like so many, I was either a mouthpiece of hate, or didn’t say anything, for a long time. For this I am sincerely sorry and hope that this next leg in life is to help others feel lifted up and accepted for who they are, and that includes their sexuality.
So maybe you are like me. Maybe you wonder how you can care for your LGBTQ and nonbinary students without feeling like you are going angainst your Christian values? I pray my journey can help you find some light, too.
The first thing to consider is that our faith does not allow us to hate anyone. If you feel hate for the LGBTQ movement of people, there has got to be a check on your heart. When Jesus was asked for the greatest commandment, He answered, “Love your God with all your heart, soul, and mind and then to love your neighbor as yourself.” Loving your LGBTQ neighbor is OKAY. And if you want to go even deeper into this, remember that God created every human being and has given them their unique abilities. When others don’t look or act like us, a feeling of superiority can be detrimental and kill connection. Feeling like we can condemn others comes from that sense of superiority.
Another thing to question is ‘why’? Why do we, as Christians, feel so outraged against people who are LGBTQ or nonbinary? The first time I talked with a young person who was gay and loved Jesus, my walls crumbled. That was over ten years ago and it helped me see a human side to an issue highly politicized and polarizing in the faith community. We do not need to change these people. We do not need them to be straight so they can enter Heaven. It became obvious to me that we need to LOVE people like my young friend. To them, our acceptance is our love. We are not God. We do not know all the answers or decide the fate of anyone. Heaping judgement and condemnation is the antithesis to what the Bible has called us to do.
This is an important issue to work through if you are an educator, parent, or human. I read an article several years ago that gave a statistic of the number of young people who are gay in the church. They grew up in a church culture. They know who Jesus Christ is, but they are still not heterosexual. They may be LGBTQ. They may even want to transition into a different gender, or ultimately decide they fit into neither gender category. As an educator, I need to be prepared to have a student in my class working through this identity discovery. As a mother, I want to love my child for anything and everything without feeling I have to force my beliefs on them and creating a division where they feel they can no longer share their life with me. As a human, who thrives on connection, I do not want anyone to feel I look down upon them for living a life I have never lived through myself.
The book It’s Ok to Say “They” and its author, Dr. Whittlesey, has given many insights on how we can welcome transgender and nonbinary students into our classrooms. Using “they” is one important way to help them feel safe and accepted, while letting them know we genuinely care about their lives. It’s important we learn to do this because their bullying and suicide rates indicate the need they have for allies. If you see others put their pronouns in their information, that is a welcome mat stating they’ve heard and they see our students who have been marginalized. As a parent, my child being hurt by others and ultimately taking their own life scares me more than anything else! I want to be a person who can connect with others, even when they don’t have the same lifestyle or sexuality as me. Their lives are as important as mine. They have unique ideas and talents to share. They will help make this world better like their heterosexual, binary, and cisgender peers.
If you are hoping to learn more about being an ally, this book is a great place to start. My eleven year old asked if she could read this book and she did. When I asked her what she learned, she said, “It’s going to help me know how to treat trans people.” And then I asked her how she was going to do that, and she said, “Like everyone else.” In her mind, it’s simple because we have had conversations at home about this and she is growing up with a strong value of loving others as they are. Recently, when they met a transgender woman during a holiday party, my oldest daughter and son were polite. I saw my son’s eyes widen as I watched his reaction to meeting our new friend, but that was it. When we talked about it the next day, both children said it confused them why a man would want to be a woman, but they knew judging her was not an option. They have both decided to follow our faith and the Bible, and I could not be more proud of them. The conversations we have are powerful in regards to how we treat others, but they also know that I am a safe place of love for them as they grow up. I hope all five of my children understand this because it’s the truth. I will not turn my back on them as they grow into the people they will become.
But you and I are not children. We have probably struggled with this topic because many of us grew up in a hostile environment regarding those who are LGBTQ. For us, it requires change in a rigid mindset and a purposeful game plan for more inclusive thought. It requires us to genuinely care for the comfort of our transgender and nonbinary students and neighbors.
My thoughts are not popular in a conservative circle. My thoughts are not politically driven. I accept that I might be harshly judged and criticized by others for putting this out in the world. But it’s my belief, that we are here to love others without an agenda. Living with that belief will keep me from changing back into the person I used to be. It’s not that I don’t care about rejection, but at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and I refuse to hate or judge others simply because they don’t fit the status quo. If you’re with me and you want to be a changemaker for these young people, you have to take action. Not taking action, afraid you will offend them or others, actually hurts our students and that is the message of It’s OK to Say They. If you are ready and want a place to start, this is a great way to begin.
He threw open the door, ran hard up the stairs, and didn’t come back down. The water started running in the tub for a few minutes and then silence. My oldest took the baby and I went upstairs to investigate.
What I found sent me into angry-mom mode instantly. Red paint on the carpet, on the bathroom faucet, and all over the tub. When I found him, he was wrapped up in a blanket crying. That calmed me down a little bit. When I demanded to know the story he unwrapped himself and showed me the red paint that covered both hands and wrists.
Truthfully, I was very upset, and I had to stop talking because there was washing up to do. Have you ever cleaned paint off skin? Soap does nothing. The strongest cleaner I had was fingernail polish remover. It worked and I used the entire bottle on him.
As I scrubbed his hands over the sink, I asked him a few questions. He told me yes, he knew it was wrong and he ignored that voice telling him so. He told me he was sorry and sad as he watched the paint run from his hands onto mine, settling into my nails and skin. Then he said something that took the wind from my sails, “That’s what sin is, isn’t it? When you know something is wrong and you do it anyway.”
So I answered, “Yes, that’s what sin is. But I’m happy to help you get this cleaned up even though it’s making my hands red, too. I’m your mom and this is my job. But I wish you had just told me what you had done instead of making a bigger mess trying to clean it up yourself.”
We had read devotions every morning and sometimes before bed and he wasn’t a big fan. But the conversations had reached him and he understood in that moment.
And that’s when I wasn’t angry or irritated with him any longer. I thanked God for a lesson I could never give him otherwise.
We will celebrate the birth of Christ in two days. We believe in the miracle of His birth to his mother, Mary, a virgin.
However, it makes me even more grateful for the one miracle coming this spring, the Easter miracle. We celebrate the death and resurrection of Christ who took on our sins after living a blameless life. Similar to the love I have for my son, but so much deeper and more pure, is the love He has shown to us. Like the red paint that ran on to my hands, so did He take on our guilt. He lived 33 years without sin but willingly took on our’s.
We are all guilty of ignoring our inner voice which can many times result in pain for ourselves or others. We have all been guilty of being selfish. There is not one person you can look at who is perfect. But that’s not the story we have to focus on. Because Jesus knew even after His miraculous birth, life, death, and resurrection that we would still not be perfect and He loves us anyway. Knowing the truth didn’t change His mind or actions.
The Savior of our hearts can handle it all. He can handle every mess we decide to finally hand over.
And it’s His specialty.
I write this today knowing that even my messy life does not keep Him from loving me. Reflecting and being grateful for a grace and love I could never earn but willingly accept is a gift given daily that is always worth celebrating.
Last week I had the honor and pleasure of hosting a webinar for a parent communication platform, ParentSquare Learning Network, regarding making time for family in the digital age. We talked and collaborated as educators and parents on what that looks and feels like. In preparation for this webinar, I definitely had to self-reflect on my own practices as an educator and mother of five. My reflections and discussions led me to this conviction: we need to know how to use tech in our homes and classrooms in a way that bridges us with the people in front of us and that wisdom is often learned after making mistakes.
As parents and educators, we can talk until we are blue in the face about what our students and kids should be doing. We can give them all the right answers and they may believe that we are the most knowledgeable people on this planet. But my own experience has shown that what we say matters less than what we do. At home, when I read, my kids want to read. When I watch TV, my kids play near me even though we have a dedicated space for a playroom. When I’m on my phone, they fight about who can be on the iPad or laptop. My kids want to be near me and do what I do! So teaching our kids by our own examples is the really the most effective way to show our values and priorities. The question is, do our words and actions align? I can honestly say that in our home, as of late, we have depended on too much technology to fill in time, so going into the winter break, we are going to actively do better about being present with one another.
There are ways to combat the use of too much technology. I put my phone in another room, up the stairs, when I need or want to be fully present with my family. Other things we discussed in the webinar are setting a timer, making sure our kids are under supervision, and setting a rule of no devices at the table. While our kids are spending more time with family during the winter break, it’s easy to let them have their iPads and play for longer periods of time. However, like my friend and mentor Mandy Froehlich shared with me, every minute we spend online is a minute we are trading for other things, such as spending time with our kids. A timer would be a great way to illustrate the quantity of time we spend on our devices. I’ll be the first to admit that I need to cut back!
Things we can do without needing our devices:
Reading alone or together,
Praying, meditating, reading about our faith,
Creating meaningful experiences in our community,
and HAVING CONVERSATIONS!
I mentioned in the webinar that having conversations with our kids is free but is so costly if we don’t have them. We learn what our kids need from us when we regularly converse with them. We can get out of practice when we spend too much time on our devices, but the good news is we can make sure to get back to what is important. There is a message that has stayed with me for years: if we don’t stop and listen to the little things our kids are trying to tell us now, then don’t expect them to trust us with the important things later. When we spend time in conversation, even when it’s silly, we are actively learning about our children (or students) as they are revealing their personalities and values to us. Have you ever looked at your child and thought, “I don’t really know you very well anymore.” Honestly, many of us have had this thought, and when we want to know our children more deeply, we need to remember to make sure they know and feel like we are present and listening to them.
As an educator, building community was my overreaching goal for the entire year. Welcoming parents and families was part of the success I had in forming deep connections with my students. Communication is key. Sharing our classroom experiences through our digital parent communication platform was a way I bridged what we were doing in class to home. It was also how parents helped me bridge home to school. I hoped using a communication platform and sharing with parents would stimulate conversation and encourage participation in school and class wide activities. However, digital tools can only go so far. I also had to make time for face-to-face and phone conferences. Digital resources can easily lose context so some messages should never be shared in any form except face-to-face or by phone.
The best way to ensure quality time in this digital age is to find a good balance. We can draw from our own past experiences as we remember that our parents did not record every single moment of every single event. At family gatherings, we’d take time to get everyone in pictures, but we spent more time talking and playing. Our culture feels the need to record and share everything, but when we are honest, we know that we lose out on being present when we are always looking for the perfect shot or recording instead of participating.
Using technology is not evil. Using our devices to write emails, find new recipes, and share important life events is also part of our culture and there isn’t anything wrong with these things. It’s always the extremes that kill our ability to be present. My own personal reflection on spending too much time on my device is often when I’m feeling overwhelmed in daily responsibilities or feeling disconnected from community. Have you ever thought about what may lead you or your children to spend mindless hours online? Having this information and reflection is a great way to start combating the timesuck of being online.
Finally, this holiday season, my family is starting from scratch in establishing new traditions. If you have followed my #onemonthgoals journey, this month I chose to share the Christmas Spirit all month long instead of doing one huge thing on Christmas morning. I knew if we really focused on spending quality time together this month, Christmas morning wouldn’t feel like a one and done thing. We are getting to know our new home better, learning the traditions of our new community, and really learning each other which was the most important reason for choosing to move to Alaska. Things we’ve already done together are having a book-unwrapping day and spending time just reading. Hot cocoa and cookie nights, holiday movies, gingerbread house making, and we’ll be participating in the winter solstice celebration this weekend. Last weekend, my husband and I picked out an ornament for each child and each other. We gave it to them with their new stockings. One by one we had each child open their new items and explained why each ornament was symbolic of them. We don’t have but a few ornaments on our tree, but the ones we have are meaningful.
Thank you so much for reading this! I hope you will share some traditions and ways you have quality time with your family. These are great conversations to have this season and may help us be more present as we welcome in 2020.